JIJI NDOGO: Another new year and new resolutions

In the last few months, I’ve had to constantly look over my shoulder and every new face has been suspect. As a police officer, paranoia can be a valuable asset. However, in its extreme, it can be detrimental. I almost roughed up an old woman who came to the Police Post and asked to see Sgt Sophia but wouldn’t identify herself properly.

Last year, I also had a close scare of becoming a brand-new father. While to some it is a joy to welcome a child into this world, I find my partner and I ill-equipped to be parents yet. I wonder, do they have “How to breastfeed” lessons at maternity hospitals? I doubt my wife knows which end of the breast to point at the baby.

Not to merely cast aspersions, my wife Sophia once asked me how many litres of milk are appropriate for a baby, and how women with small breasts are supposed to get it. She might have been kidding, but still…

Now that the new year is here, I have to fall in line and make a few resolutions to keep the next 12 months in perspective. Most of them are simple and straightforward. For instance, Sophia is always accusing me of drinking too little water. I vow to drink more water in 2025… as long as it’s part of my coffee or diluting a neat one down at Shimo La Pewa. Easy, right?

Also, and this is mostly out of necessity, I will attempt to become fluent in emojis to communicate complex emotions more effectively. Especially with the younger folks. Sometimes we confiscate Gen-Z phones. Most times they will volunteer to let you go through their texts knowing well that you will understand nothing of a conversation made almost entirely of facial expressions.

This one I’m a little ashamed of for a guy on the wrong end of his 20s, but this year, I intend to try yoga, or at least learn how to touch my toes without toppling over. Believe it or not, this was an easier task when I was single. Now that I have to eat all my meals whether I’m hungry or not, my midsection is winning the race for “Most ruined part of the anatomy”.

I could try and commit to exercising but I usually stop halfway through as questions flood my mind. Questions like, “Why do I have to lose weight that I will end up adding back through a hearty plate of ugali and sukuma wiki?”

Which reminds me. How do you make someone else make a resolution they aren’t willing to commit to? I desperately need Sophia to experiment with new recipes. I’ve eaten so much ugali and sukuma wiki that my stomach feels like an over-tilled farm. Every once in a while, she sprinkles in a chapo surprise, but it should be another resolution for my dear wife to “Learn how to make chapos that aren’t shaped after African countries and taste better than sweetened ugali”.

I’ll probably not keep many of these promises, but there’s one I intend to see through. I’ll learn what it takes to be a father just in case I do become one this year. It means forgetting how bad my father was at the whole parenting thing, but a man can try, right?