My surprise and denial has lasted the course. Ever since the little pregnancy test window indicated positive results, I was in denial. I was in denial in the emergency room when the doctor confirmed the pregnancy with a simple urine test.
All through my first trimester, suffering from a low iron count and having multiple doctor’s visits, infusion, iron supplements… I remained aloof about what was happening. I knew I was expecting, I had accepted that I was expecting, yet somehow, I remained detached from the reality of it all.
You see, long before I conceived my surprise baby, I had spent years taking this decision into consideration: “Do I want another baby?” I weighed my options, I imagined every aspect of my everyday life with another human in it, and I just couldn’t see it.
My husband and I were just in the serenity of respite after our son had learnt to sleep through the night. We were potty-training the toddler as well as getting him acquainted with his new school and schedule. We were literally catching our breath after three hard years of moving abroad, learning a new language, familiarising ourselves with the foreign and just starting to look forward to our toddler’s next milestones.
After months of self-consultation, deliberation and imagination, I decided that even if I was open to having another kid, I just wasn’t ready yet. I needed respite. I needed to heal and bask in life post-baby and toddlerhood. I needed to reconnect with myself before losing myself once more in the life-sucking pit that is motherhood.
When I had my firstborn, I was surrounded by family and the familiarity of being in my homeland. Imagining having another child in an unfamiliar place is terrifying. A place with its own systems, rules and even language was too much for me to fathom. I was scared, I was not into it, and I had unequivocally decided against it.
As soon as I was certain that I did not want to have a baby yet, I found out I was pregnant. My second son is now two weeks old, and he is absolutely the light of our lives.
He is the missing piece of the puzzle. He has brought such a blinding light into our lives that everything seems a little dull without him. Yes, the journey to bring him to earth was a little scary, but it was nothing close to what I had envisioned. It was as if the universe conspired with everyone in my path to make my life as a mother of two a little easier.
