My office romance with my boss, the very beautiful Icelander Ms Helga Annadóttir, has put me in a bad place. For one, every time I walk into the hospital, I’m in fear for my job. I have to walk on egg shells, unaware what I’ll say or do to anger her and get fired. And there are any number of shenanigans that could elicit my boss’ wrath. Like my constant flirting with the head ER nurse.
“Maybe you
should get her fired,” my friend Azzizi had advised.
“What? How?” I ask.
“Break up
with her and if she still won’t let go, talk to HR about it.”
“Dude, she’s the director. She could get the whole HR department fired.”
He squinted at me. “Is that the real reason? Are you sure it has nothing to do with all that steamy sex in her office?”
“Okay, I have to admit that part is quite good. There’s a way she twists her legs when…” I banged my fist on the table. “No! I can’t let that distract me. This is simply not healthy. She’s clingy and domineering. I feel like a prisoner in a love tower, hoping to be rescued some day.”
Tapping his chin, Azzizi said, “I got it, man.”
“You got
what?”
“The answer. One question, though. How much does Helga know about Kenyan culture?”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, is she well-versed on your customs? We might have an angle we could play there.”
I shake my head. “An
angle? Like what?”
“You could tell her like you have to date other people. Like that’s the custom here.”
“Are you kidding me? What are you on about now, Azzizi?”
“I’m serious.” He snaps his fingers. “Polygamy! That’s it. Tell her you’re polygamous. That you come from a long line of polygamous men.”
I scoff. “You think I haven’t thought of that? I tried on another woman, an American, and it didn’t work.”
Azzizi’s eyes go wild. “She fell for it?”
“Not just that, she laid out the welcome mat for my fake second wife. Any other bright ideas in that genius head of yours?”
He sits back in his chair. “I’m all out, Tom. Looks like you’re on your own on this.”
Left to my own devices, I came up with a plan to write an email to Helga and tell her how I felt. It took me nearly a week to come up with the right words, during which Helga and I had two dinners and three sleepovers at my place.
I really like you, I wrote. My heart goes wild every morning at the thought of seeing you. I also appreciate how much you like me, and how you can turn any mundane day into a thriller.
However, and it hurts to say this, I’m afraid we can’t let this go any further than this, since we risk compromising the professionalism of our esteemed workplace. I sincerely hope you understand.
After going over the note, I sent it. Only hours later did I realise I had hit “SEND TO ALL.”
