JIJI NDOGO: I’m in the doghouse with a mad dog
It’s hell with senile dad after wife exiled me
24d agoDAVID MUCHAISasa
In case you’re late to this shindig, let me catch you up.
My boss, Inspector Tembo, also my father-in-law, is getting older like everyone is supposed to. Problem is, that means imminent retirement, which my boss aims to avoid at all costs.
To help with this matter, he has sought the help of a mganga who supposedly offers, among a surplus of other treatments, a potion that defers age. I know, I know. It’s funny and ridiculous, except for one small fact: my boss forced me to accompany him to the witch’s cottage deep in the forest.
As soon as we arrive, the woman, older than Methuselah, comes out with her hand outstretched.
“Money first, chief,” she says. Her voice sounds like nails scraping on a blackboard.
“Inspector,” my boss corrects and hands her a wad of cash. “Can we come in?”
The woman smiles. All her teeth are rotten brown.
“Are you afraid someone might see you here?” From a satchel hanging around her waist, she sprinkles some black dust into the air. “Aonaye asahau kama matiti ya mamake. There. Feel better now?”
As if reading my mind, she adds, “No, young man, the spell isn’t meant for you. Come on in.”
The inside of the mganga’s hut is as the inside of her soul. It takes me a few moments to adjust to the dim lighting coming from a circle of candles placed in the middle of the floor. She bids us sit on one side across from her.
“You seek me for a time potion, right?” she asks. “And I see you brought a specimen from which you wish us to work?”
The way she looks at me when mentioning the word “specimen” sends a chill through my heart.
“Me? A specimen?” I ask. “I don’t think so.”
She squawks a laugh.
“If that’s the case, chief, I’m afraid you’ve chosen quite a poor specimen, I must say.”
Now I’m more annoyed than afraid.
“What does that mean ‘poor specimen’? Is there something the matter with me?”
“Oh, dear.” She slaps her forehead. “Where do I start?” She stretches a hand towards me as if seeking to tear my heart out of my chest. “You might be young but you harbour so much pain and misery. Problems in the bedroom?”
Back to shock.
“How do you know my wife and I are fighting?”
“It’s my job to know. I have a stamina potion that will set her straight.”
“I don’t have any problem with my… I don’t need any potions. Can you attend to my boss so we can leave already?”
She shakes her head and says to the Inspector, “Dear, me. How do you live with this one?”
Tembo’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull. “Damn, you’re good. You even know we live together after my daughter kicked him out of the house?”
“I don’t think she meant we live together like that,” I protest. “She’s just guessing stuff. Love potions are the most common services charlatans like her offer.”
The hag gives me an evil eye. “So, I am a charlatan, huh? We’ll see about that.”
As if from thin air, she produces a small black pot and empties its contents inside the candle circle: small bones, shells and flattened bottle tops. “Hmm! Not good, chief. The time potion won’t work.”
“But why?” Tembo asks in a pained voice.
“I’m afraid someone wants you dead. You have to deal with that first.”
“Who wants me dead?”
She shrugs. “Beats me. If you want to know, bring me a white goat, a black chicken and a pregnant skunk.”
