A male victim of gender-based violence recently opened up, for the first time, about how he left home to give his ‘troubling’ wife space.
This man said his wife beats him and even goes to the extent of blocking him from accessing their child.
When asked whether he had reported the matter to the police for action to be taken, he was certain they would never do anything, which is why he never bothers.
We persuaded him to report the case, as his experience could help answer a question I have always had about the quality of data researchers dealing with men facing GBV.
This man, who left a home he owns, is now forced to pay rent and seek help from friends who believe his wife will eventually calm down and welcome him back home with love.
ANGER ISSUES
However, in his own words, this middle-aged man confessed that he had boiling anger.
He feels as though he is collecting pieces of firewood in his brain and may one day light a fire that will cause trouble.
But we congratulated him for controlling himself and not fighting back because he was aware that the consequences would be deadly, including facing a jail term.
Surprisingly, most of the men in the room also confessed to having anger issues, something they were willing to let go of.
I want to use this platform to congratulate this man, despite what society may perceive as his weaknesses, for not allowing himself to become a perpetrator.
I will give him a pat on the back because he is probably aware of the troubling statistics on femicide in the country.
In a country where more than 500 femicide cases were reported in the media between 2017 and 2024, he chooses restraint and self-control, something many see as a weakness.
HARMFUL MASCULINITY
For too long, harmful masculinity norms rooted in dominance, control and aggression have fuelled violence against women.
Society has more often than not conditioned men to equate strength with power over women, silencing those who challenge this ideology.
From justifying violence as “discipline” to shaming men who reject aggression, these norms create a culture where abuse is excused and accountability is rare.
This might sound like kumbaya to many ears, but let me take you to the holy book, where a group of men brought a woman before Jesus, accusing her of adultery and demanding that she be stoned. Instead of responding immediately, Jesus paused, wrote something on the ground, and then challenged them to examine their own guilt before condemning her.
One by one, they walked away, realising their own faults. Have you ever asked yourself whom this woman was committing adultery with? Were they men, women, or animals?
WOMEN JUDGED HARSHLY
This story, a reflection of how society often judges women harshly while excusing men’s roles in GBV, should be a sermon for most churches this month.
Like those men, many today condemn women, labelling them as ‘disrespectful,’ yet they refuse to hold their fellow men accountable for the violence they commit.
In that same room where the first man shared his story, another sat quietly, nursing an injured leg.
His wife and children had attacked him over an undisclosed disagreement, but he, like the other, never reported it anywhere.
In fact, he has chosen to stay away from his family completely. Yet, despite his pain and anger, he also chose not to attack or fight back, knowing that his reaction could cause even greater harm or, worse, land him among the growing statistics of men accused of femicide.
To men in such situations, please use the available channels to seek justice, not just for yourselves, but to challenge the very systems that enable GBV.
FIGHTING BACK
Choosing not to fight back is commendable, but staying silent only fuels the stigma and anger. Instead of normalising anger and violence, men must be taught emotional regulation from a young age.
More importantly, they must speak up, not just when they are victims, but when they witness other men perpetuating violence.
If femicide is to end, men must step forward, not as perpetrators, but as protectors and allies.
Henix Obuchunju is a Human rights defender
